Letter I wrote to SPEED regarding the lack of intriguing programming

Why do you insist on putting Fifth Gear in a ridiculous time slot? As of now Fifth Gear is on at 6:00am throughout the week. This is a great, witty show that features talented drivers and cool cars that are not available in America. I would rather watch an Englishman drive an Alfa Romeo through the German countryside than listen to the newest, fattest Nascar racer describe how he made 1,200 consecutive left hand turns faster than his fellow redneck competitor. In fact, I would rather watch a test pattern than the incessant coverage of Nascar. If you didn’t carry Formula 1 racing and FIA World Rally races I would get rid of your service; as of now, there is 89 days, 8 hours and 25 minutes before Formula 1 starts again. Please place an emphasis on interesting programming/racing (F1, WRC, Fifth Gear & Victory by Design) and limit all programming associated with Nascar; if I wanted to watch white trash race around in circles I would place a WalMart ad in a wind tunnel.

Warmly,
Pilgrim n' Buggy

Aretha Franklin review, available on iTunes

I agree that this collection is great, but some of Aretha’s absolute epic work awaits you on her, "Young Gifted and Black" album. I stumbled upon this album about 10 years ago and it has since taken up permanent residence within my CD changer. I think that it’s only a matter of time before some of the "singers" today, make an ill-fated attempt to cover a single song on this album. Can you imagine Jessica Simpson’s version of, “Young Gifted and Black”, or the inevitable/dreaded, club remix? It would only be more universally insulting if she tackled long division. To sum up, if you're experiencing a vacancy in your Soul Hole, then for the sweet love of fat-back-drums, fill it with this album.

Minutes from the latest Open Mic venture.

Bad poetry and the "shout-outs", verbatim...

It was my fourth winter without her
and yet summer beckoned
as tanned dappled candy beckons
and all enveloping, abated gray
obeyed

[smattering of applause]
-I'd like to thank Mateo, Tyler and Spence for setting up this open-mic night, without earnest souls like theirs, this world would cease to whirl.

Best coffee shop name's ever

Just Pretty

Be humble for you are made of earth. Be noble for you are made of stars.

- Serbian Proverb

They did indeed refund my $$$$$$$

Hello Amazon, first, let me say I like your site and have been a satisfied customer for many years.

Now, the bad stuff.

Today I purchased a song from your new MP3 Downloader with less than spectacular results. I wanted to purchase Blind Blake's mid 1920’s recording of, "Bad Feeling Blues". I was attempting to purchase/download this song while using Mozilla. When I clicked the, "Download with XP, for PC's" button, Internet Explorer opened and to my surprise, began downloading Chris Tomlin's, "I Stand Amazed (How Marvelous)".

I was attempting to download what was once considered the devil's music and ended up with modern Christian/gospel. A spectrum switch that my stomach could barely handle. Please, please reverse the charges to my credit card. If you do so, in the simple words of Chris Tomlin (whoever the hell he is) I will stand amazed, and gaze with wonderment at how marvelous the staff of Amazon.com are.

Once again, thank you for your years of quality service,
Pilgrim BOSE

My stay at the Tropicana and the subsequent letter to the management

Dear Tropicana Customer Service,

This past weekend (Saturday Nov. 17th) my brother, cousin and I stayed at your Hotel, in room #4107. The conditions would be deemed unsanitary at the very best. There was a disturbing amount of urine on the bathroom wall. Now bear with me, I am going into detail about this. You, in an office of some sorts, should be able to handle this, as I am only going to describe it with words, we had to stand next to it while using the restroom. The "it" being your urine soaked fetid wall.

The urine was not the average overspray, 'whoops' incident or splish-splash accidental urine. Accidental urine does not reach 5 feet up the wall. I have photos; it is almost to the height of the towel rack. We did not contribute, as we were all housebroken at quite a young age. Even if we were responsible for this, 3 grown men, consuming 4 liters of water per hour, could not match the amount urine on the wall of room #4107.

Also on the wall was some blood next to the towel rack, it was quite old and foul looking. I also have a photo of it. I like taking photos.

Now, a brief rundown of the most abhorrent feature of your hotel room. Again, when your hotel decides to laugh in the face of health codes and gross out its clientele, it does so with an inordinate amount of bodily fluid. I speak, now of the blood, yes the old dried pool of blood featured on not one, but two of the mattresses. This was not merely a case of someone trimming their toenails to the quick and having a trickle of blood get on the mattress, this was paramount to a crime scene. There was so much blood, that for a moment, I almost forgot about my brother and cousin's well being and started thinking about the person (I will give you the benefit of the doubt that it was indeed a human) that the blood came from. Again I have photos of both mattresses.

After seeing the bathroom wall and the mattresses we all agreed to wear out shoes the entire time that we slept in our room. We were justifiably scared of what might have immersed itself into the fabric of your carpet. I feel that my brother, cousin and I have earned a full refund from your hotel. Please refund my credit card immediately. I hope that your day fares far better than that of ours on November 17th, 2007.

Unfortunate guest of Tropicana's room #4107,
Willard Pilgrim

Planetary quirks

Hello Professor Klontoof, how is the professing going? It is quite a slow day here at work and my boss went home sick. Are you ready for your trip to San Diego? When does the Del Mar Fair start? I think that it's in mid-June or something like that. I DO KNOW that it's on earth AND takes place during earth summer.

You think that the Southern Hemisphere has opposite seasons compared to the Northern Hemisphere? Well then, you should check out the absurdness on different planets! In one of the nine seasons on Pluto, the roles of nature are reversed, the trees of the forest chase the inhabitants and make canoes, tools and jewelry out of them; in all fairness they have a lot of pent up rage building during the eight season lull. On Jupiter, during the pleNteN months (it's like an earth autumn+spring, but with more chrome) the females take on the persona of men. What does this mean? Well, all things manly...not a whole lot of foreplay, opened doors or thank-you cards. Although, the lawns have never looked better and all the road maps are folded along the original crease lines. And finally, there are the humid months on Uranus, and frankly, the less said about this the better.

Well I have spoken about the unusual behavior of Pluto's forests, the Del Mar Fair and Uranus. I think that this is a good stopping point.

Space Cadet #4873569,
Lord "Get a Buckled Boot in Yo' Ass" Pilgrim

P.S. Please do not think that, “pleNteN” was a typo, that’s just how they do it on Jupiter. I know they’re such children.

Ha-ha email

Lord Pilgrimington of Pilgrimshire-

i don't know what deviant website i 'accidentally' looked at, but in the past month or so my bulk email folder has received all-time huge amounts of junk mail, primarily from penis- and jizz-enlargement companies. the following is a list of my favorite subject-headings, verbatim:

- Would you like to be a father of the whole kindergarten?
[NO. THERE ARE MANY MANY MANY MORE THINGS I WOULD LIKE INSTEAD]

-With Spermamax one towel won't be enough to wipe off your sperm.
[UNLESS IT COMES WITH FREE TOWELS AND DETERGENT, I'M NOT INTERESTED]

-Do you want the architectures to create a monument to your fantastic dick?
[FUCK YES! DO YOU KNOW HOW TO WRITE THAT GRANT?]

-Imagine what could happen if the kings weren't able to father.
[HMMM... MARKETING OFF OF HISTORICAL OBLIGATION RATHER THAN SEXUAL INADEQUACY. CLEVER, BUT UNFORTUNATELY FAR LESS EFFECTIVE, UNLESS YOU'RE SEEKING OUT THE MONARCHIST NICHE. BUT WE ALL KNOW POPULISTS FUCK WAY MORE.]

-Do you want to hear you rock in bed? Try our new Soft Viagra tabs.
[MY SPRINGSTEEN-KARAOKE-ALARM-CLOCK ALREADY TAKES CARE OF THAT, THANK YOU VERY MUCH. AND 'THUNDER ROAD' PLUS AN AVERAGE SIZED PENIS ARE JUST AS EFFECTIVE AS A BIG DICK IN SILENCE... I BELIEVE.]

-Fucking a man with a small dick is like fucking a rabbit.
[WITH THE BLOOD AND THE KICKING AND THE HIGH-PITCHED CHATTER-SHRIEK NOISE? EWWW.]

-Your dick is your weak issue because it is so small.
[FUCK YOU AND YOUR PRODUCT]

-When my girlfriend broke up with me I had a goal to prove to her that she's
[I CLICKED ON THIS ONE TO SEE WHAT THIS GUY/GIRL DID TO THE EX, BUT IT WAS JUST AN UNEXPLAINED AD FOR PENIS PILLS]

-Some things are famous today and forgotten tomorrow. But big dicks will be always be in.
[NO ARGUING WITH THAT.]

-Penis Enlarge Patch has anti-depressant properties
[THANKS, BUT MY DICK AND BRAIN ARE ALREADY FAR TOO INTERTWINED.]


i've also entertained a scenario in which these are not spam mail, but rather my girlfriend signed me up for some dick pill listserv and hoped for the best.


moderately endowed,
Thermos Boy


----------RESPONSE----------

Wait, first off Thermos Boy, this email is now the funniest email that I have receive all year, take that Angela Lansbury! Your letter combines big dick humor and regular dick humor, all Angela had for me was a warm soup mystery, where the guy in the sweater vest is always the culprit. Also she loves ass play.

All this talk of penis enlarging, don't people realize that this is a two-way street? What we need to do is, invent a pussy tightening cream. Ted Danson likened having sex with Whoopi Goldberg to throwing a hot dog down a hallway. Two things apparently, Ted Danson's childhood wish of becoming an Oscar Meyer Weiner came true and second, Whopi needs to get tunneled with a Steinway concert piano for any sensation ("Eight octaves of pleasure, now ribbed with black keys"!). This kegel cream would most likely be mixed with cold foam (aids in contraction) and applied via power-take-off from a diesel spray rig. It's important to line the vagina walls with the cream, just as you would line the hot ceramic walls of a nan-bread oven with dough. (reference intended for all Indian food chefs who married a cavernous-vagina-woman, a pussy so big that it would take all of your past lives dicks to fill it!).

Here are a few of my ad hooks for this new Cream:

Do your Pussy lips flap majestically in the wind and cause your Clapper to flicker the lights?
Do you have what's commonly referred to as, "Giant Fucking Pussy Syndrome"? (GFPS)
Does your clit have knuckle(s)?
Two-elbows-deep not enough? Two Shoulders?
Do Carlsbad Cavern tour guides exclaim, "Holy Deep Godless Fuck, that's one big hole" on first sight?
Does your boyfriends pee-hole flinch every time you have sex?
Adios Giganto Vagino, Hello Change Purse!


Thermos Boy, usually when I get these advertisements, they are accompanied with debt consolidation and all I think is, "wow....they do know me!"

Gotta get back to the manor,
Lord Pilgrimington