Lord Pilgrimington of Pilgrimshire-
i don't know what deviant website i 'accidentally' looked at, but in the past month or so my bulk email folder has received all-time huge amounts of junk mail, primarily from penis- and jizz-enlargement companies. the following is a list of my favorite subject-headings, verbatim:
- Would you like to be a father of the whole kindergarten?
[NO. THERE ARE MANY MANY MANY MORE THINGS I WOULD LIKE INSTEAD]
-With Spermamax one towel won't be enough to wipe off your sperm.
[UNLESS IT COMES WITH FREE TOWELS AND DETERGENT, I'M NOT INTERESTED]
-Do you want the architectures to create a monument to your fantastic dick?
[FUCK YES! DO YOU KNOW HOW TO WRITE THAT GRANT?]
-Imagine what could happen if the kings weren't able to father.
[HMMM... MARKETING OFF OF HISTORICAL OBLIGATION RATHER THAN SEXUAL INADEQUACY. CLEVER, BUT UNFORTUNATELY FAR LESS EFFECTIVE, UNLESS YOU'RE SEEKING OUT THE MONARCHIST NICHE. BUT WE ALL KNOW POPULISTS FUCK WAY MORE.]
-Do you want to hear you rock in bed? Try our new Soft Viagra tabs.
[MY SPRINGSTEEN-KARAOKE-ALARM-CLOCK ALREADY TAKES CARE OF THAT, THANK YOU VERY MUCH. AND 'THUNDER ROAD' PLUS AN AVERAGE SIZED PENIS ARE JUST AS EFFECTIVE AS A BIG DICK IN SILENCE... I BELIEVE.]
-Fucking a man with a small dick is like fucking a rabbit.
[WITH THE BLOOD AND THE KICKING AND THE HIGH-PITCHED CHATTER-SHRIEK NOISE? EWWW.]
-Your dick is your weak issue because it is so small.
[FUCK YOU AND YOUR PRODUCT]
-When my girlfriend broke up with me I had a goal to prove to her that she's
[I CLICKED ON THIS ONE TO SEE WHAT THIS GUY/GIRL DID TO THE EX, BUT IT WAS JUST AN UNEXPLAINED AD FOR PENIS PILLS]
-Some things are famous today and forgotten tomorrow. But big dicks will be always be in.
[NO ARGUING WITH THAT.]
-Penis Enlarge Patch has anti-depressant properties
[THANKS, BUT MY DICK AND BRAIN ARE ALREADY FAR TOO INTERTWINED.]
i've also entertained a scenario in which these are not spam mail, but rather my girlfriend signed me up for some dick pill listserv and hoped for the best.
Wait, first off Thermos Boy, this email is now the funniest email that I have receive all year, take that Angela Lansbury! Your letter combines big dick humor and regular dick humor, all Angela had for me was a warm soup mystery, where the guy in the sweater vest is always the culprit. Also she loves ass play.
All this talk of penis enlarging, don't people realize that this is a two-way street? What we need to do is, invent a pussy tightening cream. Ted Danson likened having sex with Whoopi Goldberg to throwing a hot dog down a hallway. Two things apparently, Ted Danson's childhood wish of becoming an Oscar Meyer Weiner came true and second, Whopi needs to get tunneled with a Steinway concert piano for any sensation ("Eight octaves of pleasure, now ribbed with black keys"!). This kegel cream would most likely be mixed with cold foam (aids in contraction) and applied via power-take-off from a diesel spray rig. It's important to line the vagina walls with the cream, just as you would line the hot ceramic walls of a nan-bread oven with dough. (reference intended for all Indian food chefs who married a cavernous-vagina-woman, a pussy so big that it would take all of your past lives dicks to fill it!).
Here are a few of my ad hooks for this new Cream:
Do your Pussy lips flap majestically in the wind and cause your Clapper to flicker the lights?
Do you have what's commonly referred to as, "Giant Fucking Pussy Syndrome"? (GFPS)
Does your clit have knuckle(s)?
Two-elbows-deep not enough? Two Shoulders?
Do Carlsbad Cavern tour guides exclaim, "Holy Deep Godless Fuck, that's one big hole" on first sight?
Does your boyfriends pee-hole flinch every time you have sex?
Adios Giganto Vagino, Hello Change Purse!
Thermos Boy, usually when I get these advertisements, they are accompanied with debt consolidation and all I think is, "wow....they do know me!"
Gotta get back to the manor,